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Welcome back to the series on the “Uncanny Highway”. It’s good to be back here posting after such a long hiatus! So, without further ado, here’s some generators for the tasteless billboards and strange eateries that line that corridor of Hell on Earth known as U.S. Route 28!

BILLBOARDS OF THE UNCANNY HIGHWAY

d20

The Billboard appears to advertise a local…

1 – 2

Eatery.

3 – 4

Bar.

5 – 6

Amusement or Theme Park.

7 – 8

Truck Stop. (With gas, a weigh station, showers, and a restaurant.)

9 – 10

Motel.

11

Political Candidate.

12

Gas Station.

13

Souvenir Shop.

14

Monument.

15

Roadside Museum.

16

Trailer Park.

17

Drive-In Theater.

18

Car Dealership.

19

Church.

20

“Mystery Spot”.

d12

The main image on the Billboard depicts…

1 – 2

the proprietor of the establishment, (Alternately, the Political Candidate, or pastor of the advertised church.)

3 – 4

a smiling family,

5

a smiling face,

6 – 7

an image of the main product offered, (A hamburger, beer, cross, etc.)

8

a square-jawed man standing tall, (25% chance the man is wearing a cowboy hat.)

9

an anthropomorphic animal mascot,

10

a scantily-clad woman, (Roll again is the Billboard is for a Church. If this result is rolled again, then the Church is, in fact, advertising itself with a scantily-clad woman!)

11

a bald eagle,

12

Jesus holding an object associated with the sign’s subject, (A taco, a souvenir, a rifle, etc.)

d20

…and…

1 – 4

the exterior of the establishment, (Or, the image of the Statehouse or County Courthouse, for a Political Candidate)

5 – 8

a rippling American flag,

9 – 10

stars,

11 – 12

spotlights,

13 – 14

fireworks,

15

a circle of people holding hands,

16

an automobile (or several automobiles),

17

a tree, (50% chance of a cactus instead, if road runs through a desert.)

18

flowers,

19

flying birds,

20

a happy dog,

d20

…against…

1 – 3

a plain white background.

4 – 7

an American flag design.

8 – 9

a local landscape.

10 – 11

a blue sky.

12 – 14

a field of solid color.

15 – 17

a field of gradient color.

18

a checkerboard pattern.

19

a swirly, “psychedelic” design.

20

a field of polka dots.

d6

Besides any directions, the text of the advertisement consist of…

1

a few simple words,

2

a single word,

3

a single, carefully considered slogan,

4

a few disconnected phrases,

5

a few complete sentences,

6

too many words to read while driving past,

d6

…written…

1

in the empty spaces of the design.

2

across the design, almost obscuring it.

3

in white letters, within black bars on the top and bottom of the sign.

4

in “extruded” text meant to look like it is projecting from the sign.

5

within angular geometric shapes.

6

within curvilinear, organic shapes.

d6

The diction used is…

1

unctuous.

2

saccharine.

3

bold and confident.

4

zany.

5

vaguely threatening.

6

dry and matter-of-fact.

d100

Notably, …

1 – 10

the sign is very old and faded.

11 – 20

the sign appears to be quite new.

21 – 30

the colors clash horribly.

31 – 40

the quality of the artwork is shockingly good.

41 – 50

the quality of the artwork is very low.

51 – 55

the sign is defaced with Satanic graffiti.

56 – 60

teenagers have drawn several arrow-pierced hearts on it, along with their initials.

61 – 64

someone has been shooting at the sign.

65 – 68

someone has crudely drawn male genitalia on the sign.

69 – 70

the sign is an unusual shape.

71 – 72

the sign is a pasted sheet that is now peeling away, revealing another image underneath.

73 – 74

someone has left flowers at the the base of the sign. (25% chance each of a teddy bear, photograph, or candle also being present.)

75 – 76

someone has been shooting at the sign.

77 – 78

there is blood spattered on the sign.

79 – 80

someone has written the names of their favorite musical artists on the sign.

81 – 82

someone has written “Murderers” (or “Thieves”) on the sign.

83 – 84

someone has written cabalistic formulas on the sign.

85 – 86

someone has written “Die, Commies!” on the sign.

87 – 88

there are numerous dead birds at the base of the sign.

89 – 90

there is a dead deer at the base of the sign.

91 – 92

someone appears to be camped out underneath the sign.

93 – 94

there is an abandoned car underneath the sign.

95 – 96

there is an abandoned motorcycle underneath the sign.

97 – 98

the address given is impossible. (The indicated town doesn’t exist, the street number is too high to be real, etc.)

99 – 100

no address or directions are given.

 


 

ROADSIDE EATERIES OF THE UNCANNY HIGHWAY

d100

The roadside sign outside the eatery is…

1 – 15

unexceptional.

16 – 30

neon.

31 – 36

nothing but a painted A-frame sign.

37 – 42

three-sided.

43 – 48

painted on a rotating drum.

49 – 54

enclosed by a frame of white light bulbs.

55 – 60

enclosed by a frame of colored light bulbs.

61 – 62

apparently missing (there is an empty pole where it should be attached)

63 – 64

completely illegible.

65 – 66

spotlit 24 hours a day.

67 – 68

painted in “psychedelic” style, with organically-shaped letters and bright colors.

69 – 70

held by a giant chicken.

71 – 72

painted across a giant hamburger atop a pole.

73 – 74

held by a giant, anthropomorphic hamburger.

75 – 76

painted across a giant hotdog on a pole.

77 – 78

held by a giant anthropomorphic hotdog.

79 – 81

painted across a giant milkshake.

81 – 82

painted across a giant fish atop a pole.

83 – 84

held by an anthropomorphic fish.

85 – 86

held by a giant pig in a chef’s outfit.

87 – 88

on a board underneath an anthropomorphic pig, carving itself into chops.

89 – 90

painted across a giant, anthropomorphic ear of corn.

91 – 92

painted vertically on the side of a rocket.

93 – 94

designed to resemble a medieval coat-of-arms.

95 – 96

held by a giant woman. (d4: 1 = Bikini-clad. 2 = Ethnic outfit. 3 = Cowgirl. 4 = Maid)

97 – 98

held by a giant cowboy.

99 – 100

held by a stereotypical Native American with a feathered headdress.

Note: If the sign seems wholly inappropriate for the establishment, either roll again, or assume that the current eatery simply re-purposed the sign from the restaurant that occupied the building previously.

d100

The exterior of the building is…

1 – 40

perfectly ordinary.

41 – 45

just an old house (or barn) converted into a restaurant.

46 – 50

a sleek Art-Deco design of chrome and glass.

51 – 55

a Space-Age, “Googie” design.

56 – 60

a boxy, brick structure that may once have been a warehouse.

61 – 65

a giant windmill

66 – 70

a sailing ship (complete with masts),

71 – 74

an old railway car.

75 – 76

a converted bus.

77 – 78

a log cabin.

79 – 80

a faux castle.

81 – 82

a Chinese pagoda.

83 – 84

a giant tee-pee.

85 – 86

a giant egg.

87 – 89

a giant melon.

90 – 91

a giant apple.

92 – 93

a head wearing a cowboy hat. (Entrance is through the open mouth.)

94 – 95

a giant hamburger.

96 – 96

a giant, upright ear of corn.

97 – 98

a train car.

99 – 100

an Egyptian pyramid.

Note: As with the sign, if the shape of the building seems wholly inappropriate for the establishment, either roll again, or assume that the eatery is located inside a building actually created for a completely different type of restaurant.

d6

The condition of the building is…

1

excellent.

2

generally good.

3

poor due to neglect.

4

poor due to obvious vandalism.

5

badly weathered.

6

mostly good, but there are bullet holes in the side.

d10

The parking lot is…

1

very small, but only partially filled.

2

very small, and completely filled.

3

moderately sized, and largely empty.

4

moderately sized, and half empty.

5

moderately sized, but mostly filled.

6

large, and largely empty.

7

large, and half-filled.

8 – 9

large, because this is a drive-in restaurant. (Once a customer parks, waitstaff will appear in 1d6 minutes. 50% likely the waitstaff is on roller-skates.)

10

large, half-filled, and evidently a popular place for teenagers to congregate. (There are 2d4 apparently ordinary teenagers loitering about one or two cars.)

d10

The interior is…

1 – 3

wood paneling,

4 – 5

painted wood paneling,

6

bare brick,

7

faux stone,

8 – 9

wallpapered.,

10 – 11

filled with mementos of local community members,

12

plastered with newspapers,

d8

…and it is..

1 – 3

clean, well-maintained, and brightly-lit.

4 – 5

clean and well-maintained, but dimly-lit.

6

apparently clean, but there is a strange odor.

7

dingy and neglected.

8

filthy and obviously vermin-infested.

d12

The food served is primarily…

1 – 2

local-style home-cooking.

3 – 4

battered and deep-fried.

5 – 6

hamburgers and hot dogs.

7

barbeque.

8

Soul Food.

9

a challenging local specialty. (Rocky Mountain Oysters, Scrapple, Head Cheese, etc.)

10

pizzeria fare.

11

Chinese-American.

12

Tex-Mex.

d10

The staff is…

1

complete nondescript – in fact, it’s hard to remember what they even look like!

2

a motley crew, no two of whom resemble each other at all.

3

oddly similar in appearance.

4

wearing archaic uniforms.

5

all unusually old.

6

all unusually young.

7

all of a single ethnic background (other than white American).

8

unusually pale and sickly-looking.

9

strangely lethargic.

10

frighteningly energetic.

d20

The bathroom is…

1 – 3

clean and bright.

4 – 5

clean, but drab.

6 – 7

dreary.

8

disgustingly foul, and looks like it is seldom cleaned.

9 – 10

very dimly-lit.

11

covered in graffiti.

12 – 13

decorated in a nautical theme.

14

covered in newspapers.

15

in the middle of a renovation.

16

oddly modern and fashionable for a roadside establishment.

17 – 18

a mess, from what looks like a recent fight or struggle.

19

spattered with fresh blood.

20

literally a gateway to Hell.

d100

The other patrons of the eatery include…

1 – 8

an average family. (A father, a mother, and 1d4 children. 25% chance the children are running around, annoying other patrons.)

9 – 12

an obviously abusive man and his terrified family.

13 – 16

a uniformed policeman.

17 – 20

2 men in suits eating together. (50% chance to be homicide detectives working a case)

21 – 24

1d12 biker(s).

25 – 28

1d4 sportspeople. (Hunter(s), fisher(s), hiker(s), mountain climber(s), etc.)

29 – 32

1d4 nun(s).

33 – 36

1d4 workmen eating together.

37 – 40

a male trucker eating alone.

41 – 44

a male trucker eating with a woman (d100: 1 – 50 = woman is the trucker’s wife or girlfriend. 51 – 75: woman is a prostitute. 76 – 100: woman is a hitchhiker.)

45 – 48

a group of 2d4 religious fanatics.

49 – 52

1d6 hippies. (Or other counter-cultural types.)

53 – 56

a nondescript man eating alone. (2% chance he is a serial killer. 25% chance he is a traveling salesman. He may be a serial-killer traveling salesman.)

57 – 60

a nondescript woman eating alone. (10% chance she is pregnant. 1% chance she is a serial killer. She may be a pregnant serial-killer.)

61 – 64

a group of 1d4+1 ordinary teenagers. (25% likely to be hitchhiking.)

65 – 68

a group of 1d4+1 middle-aged women.

69 – 72

A bruised woman, not eating anything. (d6 to determine who assaulted her: 1 = her husband. 2 = her pimp. 3 = a random person. 4 = a rogue highway patrolman. 5 = a supernatural creature. 6 = nobody – she was in an accident.)

73 – 76

a well-dressed man and woman. (10% chance they are about to rob the place. 1% chance they are a serial-killing couple.)

77 – 80

a shabbily dressed man and woman. (5% chance they are about to rob the place. 1% chance they are a serial-killing couple.)

81 – 84

a dangerous-looking man who stares at the other patrons. (2% chance he is a serial killer. 10% chance he is an escaped lunatic.)

85 – 88

an obviously drunk man.

89 – 92

an obvious pimp with 1d4 prostitutes. (Prostitutes are 12+d20 years old.)

93 – 96

a runaway teenage girl. (75% likely to be looking for a ride. 25% chance she is pregnant.)

97 – 100

a runaway teenage boy. (75% likely to be looking for a ride.)

Roll 1d4 times if the parking lot is small, 1d8 times if the parking lot is moderately sized, and 2d12 times if the parking lot is large.

d100

The most shocking fact about the place is…

1 – 10

only that the wait staff are paid “off the books”.

11 – 16

the food is actually better than any fancy restaurant.

17 – 18

the food is vile, and it is a wonder how it stays in business.

19 – 20

it is haunted by the ghost of its former owner.

21 – 22

it is haunted by the ghost of a teenage girl who died on her prom night.

23 – 24

it is haunted by the ghost of a former employee.

25 – 26

it is haunted by the ghosts of the animals served there!

27 – 30

the proprietor seems to be barely out of High School.

31 – 33

it is infested with vermin.

34 – 36

the owner serves old food that is close to spoiling.

37 – 40

the cook was actually once the personal chef of someone famous.

41 – 43

a well-known celebrity often dines here incognito.

44 – 46

it was once the scene of a mass-murder.

47 – 50

it is built directly atop a Native American burial ground.

51 – 53

it has failed every health inspection, and survives through the bribery of county officials.

54 – 56

it is a front for drug dealing.

57 – 60

it is a front for prostitution.

61 – 63

it is a front for contract murder.

64 – 66

it is simply a money laundering operation for its owners.

67 – 70

murder victims are buried under the floor.

71 – 73

the food of some patrons is drugged, so they can be handed over to an international human trafficking network.

74 – 76

the food of some patrons is drugged so their kidneys can be harvested.

77 – 79

the owners are members of a satanic cult.

80 – 83

it is used as meeting place by violent racists.

84 – 86

it is used as meeting place by Soviet agents.

87 – 91

it is part of a CIA mind-control experiment.

90 – 92

it is actually the resting place of a Vampyre (or pack of Vampyres).

93 – 95

the wait staff are actually trafficked people working against their will.

96 – 98

the meat served is not from the animals claimed – but at least its not human!

99

it serves human flesh to everyone.

100

there is a secret back room / underground chamber where human flesh is served to a select clientele.