Roadside Museums of the Uncanny Highway

Tags

1960s, 1970s, Americana fantasy, GROOVY Ghastly Affair, Groovy Horror, magic realism, modern fantasy, Road Crawl, Road Trip, Roadtrip, Seventies, Sixties, Urban Fantasy, Weird America

In the long-ago Before Times of the 1960, the 70s – and even the 1980s – the roads of America were filled with small, often family owned museums. They contained seemingly random collections of objects, advertised their possession of the “World’s Biggest” something or other, and really made their money from the souvenir shop. They were uncharitably called “Tourist Traps” – but those of us who visited them on school trips, summer camp outings, and family vacations still have fond memories of them. Now they are dwindling in number, as soulless megacorperations assert their exclusive right to separate American travelers from their dollars. But the Roadside Museum remains a fixture on the Uncanny Highway – where the “Trap” part of “Tourist Trap” can sometimes be literal!

Table 1: Roadside Museum Collection

d6	The Museum holds…
1	just an Outdoor Collection of 2d4 Items.
2	just an Indoor Collection of 2d4 Items.
3	an Outdoor Collection of 1d4 Items, and an Indoor Collection of 2d4 Items.
4	an Outdoor Collection of 2d4 Items, and an Indoor Collection of 1d4 Items.
5	an Outdoor Collection of 1d10 Items, and an Indoor Collection of 1d10 Items.
6	just an Indoor Collection of 3d6 Items.

Table 2: Architecture of a Roadside Museum

d12	The Museum facility is a…
1 – 2	purpose-built clapboard building, with a flat roof.
3 – 4	old clapboard house, with a peaked roof.
5	flat-roofed brick building
6	old brick house, with a peaked roof.
7	rough stone building, with a peaked roof.
8 – 9	log cabin style structure.
10 – 11	faux “Old West” Boom-town style.
12	faux Chinese building, with a curved hip-and-gable roof.

Table 3a: Outdoor Collection of a Roadside Museum

d100	There is/are…
1 – 2	a statue of a life-size dinosaur.
3 – 4	a statue of a life-size elephant.
5 – 6	a statue of a gigantic fish
7 – 8	a statue of a large shark.
9 – 10	a statue of a human-sized rooster.
11 – 12	a statue of an enormous gnome.
13 – 14	a statue of an enormous cricket.
15 – 16	a statue of an enormous dog.
17 – 18	a statue of an enormous cat.
19 – 20	a statue of Santa Claus.
21 – 22	an enormous statue of Paul Bunyan.
23 – 24	an enormous rocking chair.
25 – 26	statues of beloved cartoon characters (obviously used without permission).
27 – 28	an enormous concrete fruit or vegetable.
29 – 30	an enormous laughing clown head.
31 – 32	an antique carousel. See AMUSEMENT/THEME PARKS Table 7b. Carousel Mounts.
33 – 34	a statue of a local creature.
35 – 36	a hot-rod made from a classic car.
37 – 38	a windmill.
39 – 40	a complete sailing ship.
41 – 42	a reproduction of Stonehenge.
43 – 44	a small reproduction of the Eiffel Tower.
45 – 46	a concrete teepee.
47 – 48	a totem pole.
49 – 50	a greenhouse with exotic plants not native to the area.
51 – 52	an English double-decker bus.
53 – 54	a World War II tank.
55 – 56	a chapel.
57 – 58	a small faux castle.
59 – 60	1d4 faux “Old West” buildings
61 – 62	a faux pyramid.
63 – 64	a faux Greek temple.
65 – 66	a hay-bale maze.
67 – 68	a merry-go-round.
69 – 70	a playground slide
71 – 72	a locomotive engine.
73 – 74	a locomotive caboose.
75 – 77	a caged bear. 25% chance the bear is freakishly large.
78 – 80	a caged lion.
81 – 83	a caged tiger. 25% chance the tiger is white.
84 – 86	caged monkeys
87 – 89	1d6 buffalo in an enclosure.
90 – 92	1d4 goat(s). (Can be pet by children.)
93 – 95	1d4 ponies (Can be pet by children.)
96 – 98	1d4 sheep (Can be pet by children.)
99 – 100	1d4 alligator(s) in an enclosure.

Table 3b: Notable Facts About the Outdoor Collection

d10	Notably…
1	one of the attractions is directly tied to a local legend.
2	dead animals are often found around one of the attractions.
3	local lovers believe that it is lucky to kiss next to (or in) one of the attractions.
4	one of the attractions is haunted by the ghost of its maker, or former owner.
5	one of the attractions is actually inhabited by a demon.
6	one of the attractions is somehow tied to an infamous crime.
7	one of the attractions stands atop buried treasure.
8	one of the attractions has been vandalized.
9	one of the attractions will collapse / die while a PC is near.
10	one of the attractions will induce prophetic visions in psychically sensitive people.

Table 4a: Indoor Collection of a Roadside Museum

d100, 1d10 times	There is a collection of…
1 – 2	antique cars.
3 – 4	motorcycles.
5 – 6	horse-drawn buggies.
7 – 8	antique guns.
9 – 10	antique saddles.
11 – 12	antique bottles.
13 – 14	antique tools.
15 – 16	antique swords.
17 – 18	antique hats.
19 – 20	antique musical instruments.
21 – 22	antique toys. Dolls, dollhouses, etc.
23 – 24	antique furniture.
25 – 26	antique carousel horses.
27 – 28	taxidermied big game from America.
29 – 30	taxidermied animals from Africa.
31 – 32	taxidermied animals from South America.
33 – 34	taxidermied animals from Asia.
35 – 36	dinosaur bones.
37 – 38	seashells.
39 – 40	“Biblical” artifacts.
41	human skulls.
42	shrunken heads..
43 – 44	Revolutionary War artifacts and memorabilia.
45 – 46	Civil War artifacts and memorabilia.
47 – 48	World War I artifacts and memorabilia.
49 – 50	World War II artifacts and memorabilia.
51 – 52	Egyptian artifacts.
53 – 54	Native American artifacts.
55 – 56	Old West artifacts and memorabilia. Guns, hats, wagon wheels, etc.
57 – 58	torture and execution devices.
59 – 60	African artifacts.
61 – 62	Asian artifacts.
63 – 64	Artifacts and memorabilia from famous criminals.
65 – 66	exotic minerals and gemstones.
67 – 68	scrimshaw carvings.
69 – 70	folk-art paintings.
71 – 72	quilts.
73 – 74	hubcaps.
75 – 76	coffins.
77 – 78	antique wind-up phonographs (with wax cylinders and disk records).
79 – 80	quirky tombstones.
81 – 82	wooden carvings done with a chainsaw.
83 – 84	“Wooden Indians”.
85 – 86	19th century prints.
87 – 88	living birds.
89 – 90	living snakes and reptiles.
91 – 92	exotic fish in aquariums.
93 – 94	carnivorous plants.
93	especially large balls of twine.
95	wax figures of historical figures.
96	1d4 animatronic figures. d6. 1=cowboy, 2=Native American, 3=historical figure, 4=horse, 5=knitting woman, 6=extraterrestrial.
97	purported artifacts from a crashed U.F.O.
98	casts of Bigfoot tracks.
99	a mummy. 50% likely to be fake.
100	deformed animal fetuses in jars.

Repeated results indicate multiple examples, or a large collection of the items indicated.

Table 4b: Notable Facts About the Indoor Collection

d10	Notably…
1	an item is directly tied to a local legend.
2	an item in the collection curses anyone who touches it. d4: 1=nightmares for 1 month, 2=general bad luck for 1 month, 3=automatically fail next important action, 4=attract the attention of a monster or Psycho Killer.
3	some items were secretly collected from a serial killer’s victims.
4	all the items are stolen (or illegally acquired).
5	an item in the collection is haunted by the ghost of its former possessor.
6	an item in the collection is possessed by a minor demon.
7	an item in the collection can grant its possessor strange powers.
8	an item is tied to an infamous crime.
9	items in the collection rearranged themselves at night, when no one is looking.
10	if you listen closely to the items at midnight, you can hear them whispering their stories.

Table 5: State of a Roadside Museum’s Collection

d4	The collection is generally…
1	deteriorating
2	dusty, but intact
3	in moderately good condition
4	very well cared for.

Table 6: Other Patrons at a Roadside Museum

d8+d12, 1d4 times.	Others patrons currently visiting the museum include…
2	an angel or demon in disguise.
3	a serial killer.
4	a prostitute who works the local truck stop.
5	a Highway Patrolman in uniform.
6	a trucker taking a break from the road.
7	a runaway girl.
8	an unmarried adult couple.
9	a childless married couple.
10	3d4 children on a field trip from school (or summer camp).
11	a Mother, a Father, and their 1d6 children.
12	a teenage couple.
13	2d4 High-school students.
14	a single mother and 1d4 children.
15	a college student, investigating local folklore. 50% chance to be either male or female, and 50% likely to have their boyfriend / girlfriend with them.
16	a runaway boy.
17	a kidnapper, looking for children to steal.
18	a Psychic, drawn by their dreams to one of the objects in the collection.
19	a Demon Hunter, investigating rumors of cursed objects in the collection.
20	a disguised Extraterrestrial fascinated by the strange artifacts of humanity.

Table 7: Roadside Museum Concessions

d20, 1d6 times	Enjoy some…
1 – 3	hot dogs…
4	beer…
5	hard liquor…
6	pie…
7	pretzels…
8	potato chips…
9	giant lollipops…
10	candy apples…
11	cotton candy…
12	popcorn…
13	cola…
14	ice cream…
15	root beer…
16	barbecue…
17	hamburgers & french fries…
18	pizza slices…
19	donuts…
20	grilled cheese sandwiches…

d6	…that taste(s)…
1	unexpectedly good!
2 – 3	no better – but no worse – than you expect.
4	oddly like plastic.
5	like it’s as old as the items on display.
6	like pure garbage.

Table 8: Items in a Roadside Museum’s Souvenir Shop

d20, 1d6 times	The Souvenir Shop sells…
1	post cards
2	t-shirts
3	key-chains
4	wallets.
5	jewelry.
6	souvenir spoons.
7	stamped pennies.
8	wall plaques
9	paperweights.
10	masks.
11	ashtrays.
12	reproductions of historic knives.
13	reproductions of historic guns.
14	supposedly real historic coins.
15	a book about the collection.
16	reproductions of historic clothing.
17	balloons.
18	moccasins.
19	reproductions of historic hats. Helmets, cowboy hats, faux “Indian” headdresses, etc.
20	miniature reproductions of an item in the collection.