The Five Peoples of Panzoasia, Part II: Elves

Tags

, , , , , , , , , ,


About the Elves of Panzoasia

An Elf’s hair, skin, and eyes can be any shade of any hue – including pink, purple, green, and blue. Elves of the Ultimate West, however, tend towards either pastel shades or Human-like tones in their skin colors – while those of the Ultimate East often have skin that is deep blue, green, or red. In the Ultimate North, the Elves often have skin and hair that is the palest blue, or even pure white, with deep blue or purple eyes. Elves of the Ultimate South tend towards dark reddish brown, deep amber, and golden hues in their skin tones – and can actually have hair that glitters like metallic gold!

Panzoasian Elves of either sex tend toward a slim, lithe build, and stand just over 5 feet tall. Both males and females are of the same height and general build. Elven women tend to have only slightly wider hips than males. Elven faces are androgynously attractive and usually heart-shaped, with high cheekbones and relatively large, almond-shaped eyes. Elves cannot grow beards. While the hair of most Elves is straight or only slightly wavy, very curly hair is sometimes seen on those from the Ultimate South. The ears of Panzoasian Elves resemble those of deer, and are similarly mobile. Elven ears are always in motion – pitching forward to express interest, sweeping back in anger, standing up in joy, or drooping in sorrow.

While Elves can live for a thousand years or more, they can only actually remember the last 30 years (or so) of their own life. A five-hundred year old Elf knows how old she is, and may be surrounded by mementos of her previous exploits, but cannot consciously recall what she did, or where she was, two hundred years ago. An Elf can even forget their own parents, siblings, or children. One of the best known Elven songs, “The Wheel of the Wind”, concerns a triad of Elven lovers whose life journeys cause them to constantly become separated and forget each other – only for the three of them to be repeatedly reunited so they can fall in love all over again.

Elves completely stop aging around the age of eighteen and don’t age any more until the last decade of their natural lives. A thousand-year-old Elf dying of extreme old age would have a face no more wrinkled than a Human of about thirty. With their ever-youthful bodies and short memories, Elves never experience the world-weariness or emotional trauma that can affect aged members of the other Peoples. Perhaps for that same reason, however, Elves are often dismissed as impulsive and emotionally volatile.

Traditionalist Elves tend to wear the most colorful, frivolous, and diaphanous version of the local costume, and prefer silk and lace as fabrics. They often wrap themselves in capes patterned after the wings of butterflies, moths, or dragonflies. In colder weather, the capes will be of fur, feathers, or velvet. Elves in every region of Panzaoasia love to decorate their faces with glued-on spangles of precious stones and metals, often wear body glitter, and like to wear feathers, ribbons, and insect wings in their hair. Elves feel completely free to dress in typically “masculine” or “feminine” manner as they desire – a male Elf is apt to wear a silken gown while lounging in his home, while a female Elf will often cut her hair into a short “pixie” style and don trousers when she goes off to adventure.

Before the Invasions, the Elves lived as semi-nomadic bands that frequently raided the other Peoples, and periodically retreated to the the vitrified forts which still lie in ruins atop hills across Panzoasia. Large geoglyphs were carved from the turf on the sides of those hills, in the shapes of people and animals. Sometimes the geoglyphs were actually the symbols for rude and insulting words in the local Elven language.

During the Reign of the Monsters, most of the surviving Elves fled to the woods and jungles, where they allied (and occasionally intermarried) with the Saganic Sylphs who dwell in the clouds. In the Ultimate West, the massive Zoswood Trees (or Beharbres) were hollowed out and turned into refuges. Some Elves, however, actually took the fight to the Underworld itself, and settled in the caverns they captured from their enemies. These lost Chthonic Elves are effectively a fifth division of the Elven People, but are almost never seen by surface dwellers.

All Elven cultures allow any number and combination of adults to be married to each other. Traditional Elven marriages last only a year, unless renewed. There is no expectation of monogamy, even among those who consider themselves married. Traditionally, Elven children are raised communally, and most never know the identity of their biological father. A Good-aligned or urban-dwelling Elf who who loves someone from another People will probably make an effort to conform to that person’s expectations about proper behavior in a relationship, but most other Elves will become indignant if told that they must remain faithful to single partner for more than a month.

Panzoasian Elves prefer to practice sky burial of their dead. A deceased Elf is places on a platform in the highest tree, (or else atop a tower or pole), and scavenging birds are allowed to devour them. The remaining bones are pulverized and scattered (a job traditionally done by Elf-kin Halflings). Elves value change and renewal, so fixed monuments naming the dead are considered to be in extreme bad taste.

The worship of the Lord and Lady of Light was completely unknown to the Elves of Panzoasia before the Reign of the Monsters. Now, however, many Elves are of Good Alignment – although most are still Neutral or Chaotic. Lawful Elves are social misfits who usually live away from others of their own kind. Only about 1% of surface-dwelling Elves are actually Evil. The Chthonic Elves of the Underworld, on the other hand, are rumored to be largely Evil – but that might just be a baseless slander.

Elves enjoy mushrooms and fungi of all sorts, both as food, and as sources of intoxicants. Elves can safely eat species of fungi that are lethal to other Peoples – even such deadly mushrooms as the Death Cap and Destroying Angel. They can also derive nourishment from tree leaves, and eat ferns that would be indigestible to others. Traditionalist Elves have no prejudices against consuming any kind of animal meat – and particularly relish insects such as grasshoppers, wood-grubs, cicadas, and caterpillars.

Fencing and archery are the the great Elven pastimes, but Elves also love to play variations of “Hide-and-Seek”. Also widely popular is a sport called “Nêbata” in the Western Elven language, generally similar to Lacrosse.

Elves prefer special breeds of deer, elk, and antelopes as mounts and beasts of burden. They have also domesticated the giant Zoswood Cicada as a flying mount. Sylvan Unicorns and Winged Unicorns will sometimes allow Good-Aligned Elves to ride them, and some Elves of the Ultimate North even ride polar bears into battle! Birds and foxes are popular pets, as is the green Elven Dog (or Cooshee). They especially love the phosphorescent Hercinia bird, whose glowing plumage illuminates many Elven communities.

To a traveler from our Earth, the Western Elven language sounds vaguely like a strange mixture of French and Irish; Southern Elven seems to somewhat resemble a combination of Yoruban and Taino; Eastern Elven is oddly evocative of Vietnamese; and Northern Elven mildly suggests Sami. All Elven languages are tonal, and those who lack perfect pitch can find them hard to understand or speak properly. Additionally, the vocabularies of Elven languages are very fluid, with new words constantly being invented, and old words changing meaning. Elves are apt to ridicule those who cannot pronounce their languages properly, or use outdated words. Each of the four known Elven languages is written with its own variety of pictograms.

A traditional Elven Commune is nominally led by an elected Princess (who can actually be of either biological sex), who chooses a Prince (of either biological sex) to be responsible for the security of the group. A group of Communes will collectively elect a Queen, who then selects a King to oversee the security of all the Communes who accept her leadership. As with Princesses and Princes, Queens and Kings can be of either biological sex. All Elven leaders must be reelected every year, and are often chosen on the basis of their good-looks and fashion sense. Their actual power is extremely limited, and most of what they do in modern times involves organizing games and parties. Princesses and Queens wear attire and cosmetics that look very “feminine” to Human eyes while attending to their governmental duties, while Princes and Kings wear more “masculine”-appearing attire.

In mixed communities, Elves will predominate in the fine arts, perfumery, the making of cosmetics, the crafting of luxury goods, silk and lace production, music, mushroom gathering, fine carpentry, and the cultivation of tree crops. Many realms of the ultimate West have special orders for knighthood for Elves sworn to use both sword and spell in defense of the nation. These include the “Order of the Unicorn” in Corthis, the “Order of the Griffin” in the Free March, the “Order of the Golden Stag” in Maeland, and the “Order of the Dragonfly” in Ombratia.

The Five Peoples of Panzoasia, Part I: Dwarves

Tags

, , , , , , , , ,


A Dwarven Lady wearing ochre in her hair. The face-paint on her jawline, and her chest-wrap of Dire Wolf fur, denote her high status.

Some Things to Know About the Five Peoples of Panzoasia

The overall population demographics of the Five Peoples in Panzoasia is roughly 50% Human, 20% Halfling, and 10% each Dwarf, Elf, and Gnome. The exact figure varies greatly from place to place however.

The universal symbol of the Five Peoples is a pentagram with the point upwards, while the upside-down pentagram symbolizes the evil Monsters and Depredators.

The Five Peoples (Humans, Elves, Dwarves, Halflings, and Gnomes) all originated in the fabled Terrestrial Paradise, but left it for Panzoasia thousands of years before the Monsters came. The physical location of the Terrestrial Paradise is unknown – most claim it to be a now lost and inaccessible Corner of the Earth, while certain others claim it actually lies ruined somewhere in the Wasteland in the center of the continent.

The Five People all reach adulthood at the same rate – although Elves regularly live to be a thousand, Dwarves three hundred, Gnomes five hundred, and Halflings one hundred and fifty. Most Peoples who live longer than a human lifespan can still only remember the last 70 years or so of their lives, however. For Elves, the forgetfulness is even worse – they can only remember the last 30 years they have lived.

All Five People have always recognized the same Divine Powers. They do have not separate “pantheons”. Each People has their own set of traditions for honoring the Divine Powers and Immortals, however. Humans tend to build large, permanent structures for mass worship, while the other Peoples tend to prefer smaller-scale, or more informal, expressions of piety.

Intermarriage is most common between Elves and Humans (who are notably attracted to each other), but almost every other combination also occurs. Although less frequent, there is also a fair amount of intermarriage between Gnomes, Dwarves, and Halflings – and almost every larger town has at least one Human / Halfling couple who seems to “make it work” despite every challenge. All the Five Peoples are in fact capable of having children together. Generally, people of mixed heritage tend to have the height and general build their mother, although they frequently possess at least one feature typical of their father. For example, a man of mixed Gnomish and Dwarven parentage might mostly resemble any other Dwarf (and follow the Dwarf adventurer Class), but have the white hair and large nose typical of a male Gnome.

The cultural differences between People are generally most pronounced among “traditionalists” in rural and isolated settlements, and minimal among town dwellers. The urban population of Panzoasia tends to freely mix cultures. A Dwarf that lives in a settlement with Humans and Elves, for example, will still wear some distinctively Dwarvish body paint, but less than his subterranean kin – and will probably adopt Human-style clothes. Elves who live among other Peoples will dress and act more modestly than they otherwise would, and may even form stable nuclear families – something almost unheard of in more isolated Elven Communes. Gnomes who live outside a Hollow Hill will still sport outlandish hats, but they will be nowhere near as bizarre as the ones they don inside their own burrows. Urban Humans are famous for freely adopting cultural practices from other People – sometimes dressing in typically Elven outfits, wearing Dwarven body paint, or donning headgear of Gnomish make. Halflings, on the other hand, have always lived with other People – so their cultural ways are the same whether they live in the countryside or the largest town!

A high-status Dwarven man, wearing ochre in his hair and beard.

About the Dwarves of Panzoasia

Panzoasian Dwarves are noted for their distinctively broad and prognathous faces, with prominent brows, wide noses, and low foreheads. Both males and females are muscular and squat in build, and both stand about 4 ½ feet tall. Both male and female Dwarves tend to be more hairy than their Human counterparts, but Dwarven woman are not actually bearded (despite constant jokes to that effect). Dwarves tend to have the same skin and hair tones as nearby Humans, but a full 20% of the population are albinos with white hair and skin.

Dwarves across Panzoasia use body paint made from clay earth pigments, chalk, animal fat, and charcoal on their skin and hair – the most common patterns varying from region to region. Dwarves considers themselves “naked” if they are not wearing some body paint or hair ochre, no matter how many (or few) articles of actual clothing they are wearing. The jewel-like irises of Dwarven eyes can be the color of any gemstone – blue, green, red, purple, or orange are all possible. Because of their eye colors and body paint, there is a popular rumor/joke that Dwarves are actually made of earth and stone.

Most Dwarves prefer to use leather, skins, and fur as clothing wherever possible. They particularly love reptile skin, and the most prestigious garments are made from the hides of evil dragons and giant serpents. The only cloth they use is wool. They like to set stones and jewels directly into their clothing as decoration. Traditionalist Dwarves dislike cloth of vegetable origin so much that in hot conditions they may may wear nothing more than a leather loincloth (and chest-wrap in the case of women), otherwise covering their body with paint. In any event, Dwarven men are extremely proud of their hairy chests, and will dress to expose them as much as possible.

In the Ultimate West, Dwarven women in positions of authority often wear a face-paint design made by dipping the fingers in dark pigment, and dragging them vertically down the cheeks and chin. This the reason for the joke that Dwarf women have beards. High-status Dwarven women will also wear corset-like, fur chest-wraps – leading to another frequent jibe that they actually have hairy chests also!

Dwarves are the “people of the caves”, and prefer to carve and sculpt their settlements from solid rock. When they must build above ground, they use carved megaliths. After the Invasions, Dwarves retreated into deep tunnels, where they met and formed alliances with the Saganic Salamanders (also called “Vulcani”) who live in fiery rifts underground.

A dead Dwarf is cremated, as a symbolic return to the “Forge of Creation”. As an especial honor, a Dwarf’s charred bones may be used to help make steel for an heirloom weapon or piece of armor.

Every Dwarven culture is extremely fond of smoking pipes. These pipes are generally made of clay, or carved from various minerals – even precious and semi-precious stones! Pipes are smoked for leisure, and shared to seal deals and agreements. Much of Dwarven trade with the other Peoples is for the purpose of obtaining various herbs for smoking – particularly tobacco from Ha’wakun.

Dwarves are overwhelmingly Lawful or Neutral in Alignment. A sizable minority are Good. The small number of Chaotic Dwarves are widely despised by others of their own kind, and form a secret subculture. About 3% of Dwarves are Evil.

Dwarves use goats, mules, and cave dogs as mounts and beasts of burden, and have an especial affection for bears. They are the only people who dare to herd the Hrycus goat, whose fiery blood is needed to forge Adamant.

To a traveler from our Earth, the Western Dwarven language sounds vaguely like German; Southern Dwarven seems to somewhat resemble Zulu; Eastern Dwarven is oddly evocative of Tibetan; and Northern Dwarven mildly suggests ancient Norse. Each of the four Dwarven languages is written with its own set of angular runes designed to be easily carved into stone or wood.

The most common governmental form among isolated, traditionalist Dwarves remains hereditary monarchy, with the eldest child of either gender inheriting the title. A Dwarven Clan is headed by a Boss, whose position passes to their oldest child after their death. The Clans of a particular area will generally owe their allegiance to a Lord or Lady. If the Dwarves are living inside a nation not dominated by Dwarves, the Lord or Lady will be responsible for representing the interests of those Dwarves in the government. In the Ultimate West, only the monarch of Auddisland holds the title of “King” among the Dwarves.

Wherever they dwell with the other Peoples, Dwarves will naturally dominate the trades of mining, quarrying, masonry, and metalworking. Their armor and weapons are considered the best (and most expensive) throughout Panzoasia.

The Point of All This

Tags

, ,


It can feel strange, even irresponsible, to write about fantastic worlds when reality seems so dire. Some part of me chides the rest, insisting that I should focus only on this world of pandemic, conflict, and oppression. But, perhaps it is precisely now that we need fantasy the most. Fantasy is the exercise of the imagination, and it is imagination that we will need if we are to transcend our problems. We must imagine a better world, where society is not predicated on exploitation and racism; where the law can be enforced without brutality; and where government represents all the people – not just those born into a privileged race, class, creed, gender, or sexual orientation. Without the ability to imagine something better, we may just trade one oppression for another, as has happened too many times throughout history. Without the courage to imagine, we might revert from our current insanity, back to the same system that ultimately resulted in the madness now standing in place of true governance.

The poet (and prophet) William Blake posited the Poetic Genius as the true God, and Imagination as the Savior. Who am I to argue with Blake? So I will write fantasy. I will write fantasy because Hope flows not just from Faith, but also Imagination. Our ancestors entertained each other with stories of fantastic worlds and beings, while dealing with diseases for which they had no cure, disasters for which they had no warning, and wars that seemed endless. The stories they told sustained them in their darkest hours. We exist because those who came before us could imagine a better future, and that imagination gave them the hope to endure.

Fantasy is serious business, for the most serious of times.

Unique Trees, Plants, and Fungi of Panzoasia – Part I

Tags

, , , , , , , , ,


See also “Wondrous Metals, Minerals, and Materials of Panzoasia” and Viridantine and Calidurum – Two More Wondrous Metals of Panzoasia.

Allfruit

This tree-like bush is short and stout, standing 6 feet high, with a 2 foot thick trunk. Its leaves are round and yellowish with serrated margins, turning bright red in the autumn. The Allfruit is widely cultivated by Man-kin Halflings for its delicious, five-lobed fruit, the outer skin of which is striped yellow, purple, blue, and red. The intensely sweet pulp inside tastes like a mixture of apples, lemons, raisins, and cherries, and is a beloved pie filling. Its showy, pink and white flowers are also woven into floral crowns worn by young Man-kin women in the spring.

Fool Hares are notably fond of ripe Allfruit, causing no end of headaches for orchard owners. Thefts are such a problem that there are ongoing contests in many Man-kin communities to see who can build the best trap for the annoying creatures.

The Allfruit tree is native the Ultimate West, but has been introduced to the East as well. It requires direct sunlight, but does not do well in conditions of extreme heat, cold, or dryness.

The best-known of all Halfling songs in the Ultimate West is “Under the Allfruit Tree”, the bittersweet tale of a Halfling maid who defies her disapproving family and pledges her love to an adventurer in the shade of an Allfruit, only to have him be slain the next day fighting off a gang of Goblin raiders. After she gives birth to their baby, she takes the child every day thereafter to that same Allfruit Tree, where she sings him a song about how courageous his father was.

Coffin Pine

This strange conifer grows up to 50 feet tall, with a peculiar, wide trunk distinguished by its coffin-like hollow that is usually large enough for a full-grown human to stand inside. The bark is grayish black, and the undersides of the leaves are dull neutral gray, further contributing to the tree’s ominous appearance. Because their empty hollows might otherwise be used as hiding places by bandits and robbers, it is common for Coffin Pines that are left standing to have their trunks converted into funerary shrines – complete with a statue of the memorialized person.

Before the Reign of the Monsters, Coffin Pines were sometimes actually used to inter the dead. The corpse was placed in the hollow, which was then sealed up with wattle and daub. A crude image of the person inside would then be painted on the surface. Some of these Coffin Pine tombs still remain intact, but all are said to be haunted by angry Wraiths.

The needles of Coffin Pine are a potent medicine against intestinal worms, if brewed into a tea.

Dwarf Bread

Dwarf Bread is a lichen used both directly as a staple food by many Dwarven communities, and also as livestock feed. A colony of it somewhat resembles a mass of thick lettuce leaves, gray-violet in color. It grows naturally on bare rock, surviving well above the tree line. Terraced fields of Dwarf Bread – cultivated on stones by Dwarf-kin Halflings – are found throughout the mountainous regions of Panzoasia. Dwarf Bread tastes somewhat like toasted rye when raw, becoming sweeter when cooked (typically as a porridge). Cooked Dwarf Bread can also be fermented and distilled into a spirit resembling whiskey. Among everybody other than Dwarves and Dwarf-kin, however, the lichen has a reputation for causing vivid nightmares of being turned to stone.

Glistenwood

This short, stout deciduous tree (typically 12 feet high with a 3 foot diameter trunk) has shaggy gray bark, and heart-shaped leaves that are purplish in color. It is prized for its unique wood, which glitters like crushed mica. Typically, Glistenwood is used for statues, fine furniture, chests, and decorative accents (as it is also carves well). The wood retains its glittering quality even when stained dark colors. Glistenwood prefers to grow near waterways, and on the edge of swamps.

Wounds inflicted by the wood sting terribly, and take twice as long to heal naturally. Those who work with it must take special precautions against being stuck by splinters.

Objects and furniture made of Glistenwood are worth twice their normal values. Elves and Gnomes especially love things made from it. Dwarves aligned with the powers of Destiny (Law) have a peculiar distaste for Glistenwood, however, often going so far as to destroy objects made from it for being somehow “indecently indulgent”. Conversely, those few Dwarves who are members of the “Free Brethren” (Chaotic, but not Evil) will deliberately carry small Glistenwood carvings.

Gloamtree Fungus

This strange, tree-like fungus often occurs in forest-like colonies underground. In appearance it closely resembles a small white tree about 8 feet high – but instead of leaves its branches end in thick, disk-like pods filled with a blue-green phosphorescent jelly. A complete Gloamtree emits light equal to a torch, while a broken branch will continue to emit light equal to a candle for a week. Gloamtrees are not fixed in their locations, and their apparent roots actually enable them to move in search of nutrients (albeit very slowly). The phosphorescent jelly can also be removed from its pod, and if dissolved in alcohol will continue to shine for as long as a month. Unfortunately, all parts of the Gloamtree are extremely toxic – if eaten the consumer must immediately Save versus Poison or suffer 1d6 points of damage, and must Save again every Round thereafter, or take an additional 1d6 points of damage. A successful Save ends all further loss of Hit Points.

A branch of Gloamtree Fungus sells for 10gp outside the Underworld, if fresh. A glass globe filled with fixed Gloamtree jelly(enough to illuminate a 15’ radius with blue-green light) sells for 50 gp, and a refill of jelly costs 40 gp. Gloamtree Fungus (and Gloamtree jelly) can generally only be obtained from Dwarven merchants, who control the supply to surface-dwelling folk.

Homestead Mushroom

These giant mushrooms have woody stalks that are often hollowed out and used as temporary homes by forest-dwelling Elf-kin Halflings. In addition to providing housing, the cap of the Homestead Mushroom is delicious fried, or boiled in a stew. Even the woody stalk can be eaten if first soaked and pounded to soften it. In fact, it is usual for an Elf-kin family to actually eat the mushroom as they inhabit it!

A mature Homestead Mushroom stands 8 feet tall and just as wide. It has a white trunk, and a yellow, orange, or red cap. The mushrooms appear in the spring, usually beneath or near Zoswood trees (See “Zoswood” below), and naturally endure until Autumn (unless completely eaten). Those Elk-kin who inhabit Homestead Mushrooms in the warmer weather will often spend the winter living on the lower level of a hollowed-out Zoswood nearby.

Sword Lacquer Tree

This gnarled and bulbous tree is prized for its sap, which can be prepared into a lacquer that dries nearly as hard as bronze. The substance can also used to create armor, or even edged weapons. The sap is mostly collected by certain Elf-kin Halflings, who also create the highest quality Sword Lacquer objects. The tree is deciduous, and also noted for its small leaves, growing in rosette clusters that resemble pom-poms. Sword Lacquer trees are most common in the Ultimate East, but some can also be found in the Ultimate South and West.

Weapons made of Sword Lacquer are a quarter the weight of their metal equivalents, but cost double the normal amount. Since Sword Lacquer is not quite as hard as actual steel, however, the user suffers a -1 to hit if the weapon is edged, or a -1 on damage if the weapon is blunt (with a minimum of 1 point of damage on a successful hit). On the upside, Sword Lacquer weapons (and armor) are immune to attack from Rust Monsters, and creatures such as Black Puddings are actually repulsed by their taste.

A complete suit of Sword Lacquer Plate Armor is AC 4 [or 15], but weighs just 12 pounds (120 coins) if sized for a human. It costs 100gp. Such suits are more common in the Ultimate East and South, but are not unknown elsewhere in Panzoasia.

A Sword Lacquer Breastplate weighs grants AC 7 [or 12] and weighs only a pound (10 coins). It costs 40gp. Sword Lacquer Breastplates are especially prized by Magic Users, since they are so light and easy to wear that they do not interfere with spellcasting.

Zoswood (Beharbre)

The evergreen Zoswood has a central place in the culture of Western Elves (whose name for it is “Beharbre”). This massive and hardy tree often grows to over 300 feet in height, with a straight trunk up to 60 feet in diameter. About half the height of typical tree is trunk, and atop it grows a cloud-like canopy of twisting branches that end in seven-lobed, palmate leaves. Zoswood does not burn or rot (although its leaves will), and the living tree seems to be immune to almost every disease. Since it wood is almost as hard as stone, actually felling a Zoswood is arduous in the extreme. For all those reasons, hollowed out Zoswood trees became the primary refuges of Western Elves throughout the Reign of the Monsters. A single tree could easily house up to thirty Elves (and /or Elf-kin Halflings) – and up to a hundred could take refuge inside one in extreme emergencies.

Besides its durable wood and tolerance for being inhabited, the Zoswood has a number of other unique characteristics. In the spring it erupts in enormous, red and pink flowers that eventually give way to spiny fruit with chestnut-like seeds that are both delicious and extremely nourishing. There are several species of giant insect endemic to Zoswood forests, and even ordinary bugs that consume the sap or green leaves of the tree can grow to gigantic proportions – and acquire intelligence equal to that of a dog or horse. The enormous Gilout Moths from which Western Elves obtain their silk were bred from slightly smaller ancestors that live only on Zoswoods. Likewise, the Elven Riding Cicada is a domesticated and specially bred form of the wild Zoswood Cicada, which naturally grows to six feet in length.

The tallest Zoswoods are visited by the sky-dwelling Saganic Sylphs, and host the markets where Cloud Silver is traded for incense and scented oils. The area directly below a Zoswood is in perpetual shade, but is often populated by the similarly enormous Homestead Mushroom.

Objects made of Zoswood are extremely rare, and worth 10 times their normal value. Zoswood furniture is especially prized by Dwarves, since it will not rot from exposure to damp conditions underground. A club made of Zoswood functions exactly like a steel mace in almost every respect. Zoswood worked into a suit of plates is equivalent to Plate Mail (AC 3 [or 14]) – but at half the weight. Unfortunately, the secret to properly working Zoswood is known only to Elves – and apparently, no member of any other People has ever been able to master it. Naturally, the various Elven Communes strictly control the supply of Zoswood.

Inhabited Zoswoods: Beharbre Refuges and Communes

The original type of Beharbre Refuge created during the Reign of the Monsters consisted of a mature tree, with its heartwood hollowed out to a diameter of 20’. The removed wood was used (among other things) to construct an central spiral staircase linking up to 20 interior floors. The entrance to the tree was a carefully constructed secret door indistinguishable from the trunk. Ventilation and light shafts were bored to the exterior of every floor, the aperture of each barred with viridantine and screened with Gilout silk painted to exactly resemble the tree’s bark. Each floor had a fireplace, the flues of which emptied into a single chimney cleverly constructed like a branch of the tree. Smoke was conducted above the tree’s thick canopy, and could remain unnoticed by all but the most observant viewers below. At night, interior light was provided either by phosphorescent fungi, or by globes of magically created Continual Light.

Modern Beharbre Communes inhabited by forest-dwelling Elves follow the same general plan of a central spiral staircase vertically linking many interior floors. Nowadays, however, the main entrance will be obvious and ornamented, with carved window frames marking the apertures of the ventilation and light shafts along the tree’s trunk. The Elven occupants (each of which is considered a co-owner of the Commune) often change their sleeping arrangements from floor to floor as they form temporary romantic partnerships (couples, triads, quads, etc.). Any children born inside the Commune are considered the children of all the inhabitants, and may spend as little as one day a week on the same floor as their birth mother – or father, if his identity is certain. It is also common for the lower floors of a Beharbre Commune to inhabited by Elf-kin Halflings. The upper branches, on the other hand, will be fitted with platforms where the community’s Riding Cicadas are hitched, and Gilout caterpillars are raised for silk. If it is not filled with Homestead Mushrooms, the area around the base of the Zoswood will often be cultivated with various other kinds of ornamental (and useful) fungi. Juvenile Riding Cicadas will often be living below the surface, feeding from the Zoswood’s roots, and waiting to emerge in the summer. Generally, the Commune’s herd of riding deer (or elk) will be kept in a glade nearby, rather than within the shade of the tree.

Doubtless, the historical experience of living inside Zoswood trees is at least one reason that city-dwelling Elves of the Ultimate West show such a preference for inhabiting high towers.

(Yes, Zoswood is my version of the old “Elves-in-a-tree” trope, with man-sized cicadas.)

The Mad Scientist Class for Classic B/X Rules

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , ,


Frankenstein, pg 7

This version of the Mad Scientist class from Ghastly Affair has been reworked for use with the classic “B/X” rules, and OSR retro-clones that emulate them (such as Necrotic Gnome’s “Old School Essentials”).

MAD SCIENTIST

Those who lack vision say you are insane, but one day they too will recognize your genius! The ignorant fools of the world may say that your creations are “unnatural”, and that your pets are “abominations”. They claim that your momentous discoveries are the ranting of a deranged mind, and that the creatures you have created and trained are menaces. But you know that your work is more important than their little brains can comprehend. Muahaha!

As a Mad Scientist you start the game with either a 1st Level Mad Invention, or a 1 HD Monstrous Servant (but not both). Each Level thereafter you can either create one or more new Mad Inventions, or else gain (or advance) your Monstrous Servant(s).

Use the Mad Scientist Class to create characters inspired by such fictional characters as Victor Frankenstein (from “Frankenstein; or, The Modern Prometheus”) and Doctor Moreau (from “The Island of Doctor Moreau”), or even historical figures such as Franz Mesmer and Ada Lovelace.

ABILITY REQUIREMENTS: Intelligence of at least 12.
PRIME REQUISITE(S): Intelligence
HIT DICE: d4 + Constitution Bonus, up to 9th Level.
+1 Hit Point per Level after 9th, and Constitution Bonus no longer applies.
USEABLE WEAPONS: Dagger, Staff, Club, or Crossbow. (+ Pistol and Whip, if available.)
USEABLE ARMOR: None. No shields.
ATTACKS: As Magic user
SAVING THROWS: As Magic user
ALIGNMENT: Any. Mad Scientist tend towards extreme expressions of their Alignment – rigidly Lawful, coldly Neutral, or capriciously Chaotic.
LANGUAGES: Common and Alignment. Mad Scientist often learn extinct languages.

SPECIAL ABILITIES:

Academic Credentials: You have contacts in Universities and other academic institutions, and will be allowed to see books and objects others cannot access. Of course, the traditionalists dislike you and your theories, but even they must grudgingly accept your academic achievements.

Mad Inventions: You can create Mad Inventions, which produce effects similar to the spells of Magic Users and Clerics. These Mad Inventions are rated in Levels just like ordinary spells. The total Levels of your existing Mad Inventions can never exceed your own character Level. Only you (and the people you designate) can understand how to use your Mad Inventions. They can take any appropriate physical form you like.

If you do not gain or advance a Monstrous Servant when you gain a Level, you can make a new Mad Invention instead. You can destroy an old Mad Invention if you want, so you can create a new one of a higher Level. You can never have more than one Mad Invention that creates the same effect, however.

Once created, a Mad Invention can be used a number of times equal to your Level before it breaks, is used up, or needs to be recharged. Mad Inventions are created or recharged in the downtime between adventures, and cannot be recharged while an adventure in in progress.

Mad Inventions are revealed by Detect Magic, and are affected by Dispel Magic just as if they were spells.

Monstrous Servants: You can attract, create, or train creatures to serve as guardians and helpers. The Hit Dice of Monstrous Servants you control can never exceed your own, none can have a higher Intelligence than you, and they cannot be inherently magical or planer in nature. Some ways by which a Monstrous Servant might be controlled include strange drugs, hypnotism, a brain implant, sonic waves emitted from a hand-held device, or even just the force of the Mad Scientist’s personality. If the Monstrous Servant is basically unintelligent, you have nonetheless developed special means of communicating with it and influencing its behavior. The total Hit Dice of all Monstrous Servants you command can never exceed your own character Level. If one or more asterisks are appended to a monster’s listed HD, its effective HD is raised by the number of asterisks for purposes of being a Monstrous Servant.

If you command your Monstrous Servant to do something obviously suicidal, or completely against its nature, you must make a regular 2d6 Reaction Roll. The result of the roll determines if it (or they) rebels and decides to attack you, refuses that particular command, or acquiesces.

If you do not create a new Mad Invention when you gain a Level, you can instead gain new Monstrous Servants (up to your limit), or increase the Level of an existing servant that has a character Class. You can also dismiss Monstrous Servants you no longer want, to gain more desirable ones. Monstrous Servants are generally assumed to be attracted, created, or trained in the downtime between adventures. If your GM allows it, it may be able to convert an encountered Monster of the appropriate Level into a Monstrous Servant, provided it otherwise qualifies for such status, and you can achieve a result of 12 or more on your Reaction Roll.

Laboratory: You have access to a fully-supplied Laboratory – perhaps in the University you attend, in the attic of the house you rent, in a hidden part of your family castle, or even secretly built in the city sewers. Here you make and repair your Mad Inventions, experiment with the creation of new life forms, and train your Monstrous Servants. If your Laboratory is destroyed (by an Angry Mob, for instance), to cost to replace it will be 1,000 times your own Level in gold pieces.

Scientific Knowledge: You have a base 60% chance to recall useful useful scientific knowledge applicable to your current situation, identify materials, or solve complex mathematical problems. This chance increases by 3% per Level, to a maximum of 99% at 14th Level.

WEAKNESSES:

Attracts Angry Mobs: Every month spent actively working in the same location incurs a 1 in 20 chance of an attack on your Laboratory by an Angry Mob of 2d20 ordinary humans, led by an enraged Cleric of your own Level.

Incurable Madness: You will always suffer from an incurable mental derangement or compulsion of some kind. For example, you could be subject to fits of morbid melancholy (like the fictional Victor Frankenstein), be a compulsive gambler (like the historical Ada Lovelace), or harbor strange delusions about being hundreds of years old (like the historical Count Saint Germaine). If put into a situation that might trigger your particular Madness, you must make a Save versus Spells to overcome it. If the reality of your delusions is directly challenged, you must make likewise Save versus Spells or fly into a berserk rage for 1d4 Rounds.

FOLLOWERS AT 9th LEVEL:
At 9th Level you can build a new Laboratory and attract 1d6 1st Level Students, all of them as insane – excuse me , I mean to say dedicated – as yourself. Each of them will have their own particular derangement – I’m sorry, I mean evidence of genius. Unlike those shortsighted fools at the University, your new students will be eager for instruction in your groundbreaking theories, and assist in your vital research. Your new laboratory can be elaborate as you can afford, and located in any suitably (melo)dramatic location – such as a dark castle atop a bare mountaintop, a small jungle island, or even a sprawling subterranean complex.

Experience Points

Level

Title

Hit Points

Scientific Knowledge

Maximum Mad Invention Level

0

1

Student

1d4

60%

1

3,000

2

Experimenter

2d4

63%

1

6,000

3

Intern

3d4

66%

2

12,000

4

Natural Philosopher

4d4

69%

2

24,000

5

Anatomist

5d4

72%

3

48,000

6

Chemist

6d4

75%

3

96,000

7

Physician

7d4

78%

4

192,000

8

Professor

8d4

81%

4

384,000

9

Doctor

9d4

84%

5

559,000

10

Doctor

(10th Level)

9d4 + 1

87%

5

734,000

11

Doctor

(11th Level)

9d4 +2

90%

6

909,000

12

Doctor

(12th Level)

9d4 + 3

93%

6

1,084,000

13

Doctor

(13th Level)

9d4 + 4

96%

6

1,259,000

14

Legendary Doctor

9d4 + 5

99%

6


MAD INVENTIONS BY LEVEL

For compatibility with existing “Old-School” games, the following lists utilize the Cleric and Magic User spells from “Old-School Essentials Classic Fantasy: Cleric and Magic-User Spells”. Except where otherwise noted , adjudicate the effects of Mad Invention just like their namesake spells.

1st Level Mad Inventions
Floating Disc
Light
Darkness
Purify Food and Water
Cause Light Wounds (Mad Invention must physically touch victim.)
Shield
Ventriloquism

2nd Level Mad Inventions
Cause Fear
Charm Person
Cure Light Wounds
Magic Missile (The Mad Invention can only fire 1 missile at a time.)
Read Languages
Remove Fear
Resist Cold
Resist Fire
Sleep (Victims always receive a Saving Throw.)

3rd Level Mad Inventions
Detect Invisible
ESP (6 Turns duration)
Hold Person
Invisibility
Knock
Levitate
Locate Object
Mirror Image
Phantasmal Force
Silence 15’ Radius (Emitted by Mad Invention, and moves with it.)
Snake Charm
Speak with Animals
Web
Locate Object

4th Level Mad Inventions
Animate Dead
Cause Serious Wounds (Mad Invention must physically touch victim.)
Cure Serious Wounds
Continual Darkness
Continual Light
Cure Disease
Fire Ball (3d6 damage)
Fly
Growth of Animal
Haste
Hold Person
Infravision
Invisibility 10’ Radius
Lightning Bolt (3d6 damage)
Protection from Normal Missiles
Striking

5th Level Mad Inventions
Charm Monster
Confusion
Create Water
Dimension Door
Growth of Plants
Hallucinatory Terrain
Neutralize Poison
Polymorph Others (Only one shape per Mad Invention. 1 in 20 chance per use of a backfire, affecting the Mad Scientist instead of the target!)
Polymorph Self (Only one shape per Mad Invention.)
Speak with Plants
Wall of Fire
Wall of Ice

6th Level Mad Inventions
Cloudkill
Control Weather
Create Food
Feeblemind
Finger of Death (1 in 20 chance per use of a backfire, affecting the Mad Scientist instead of the target!)
Flesh to Stone (1 in 20 chance per use of a backfire, affecting the Mad Scientist instead of the target!)
Lower Water
Move Earth
Pass-Wall
Raise Dead (1 in 20 chance that the subject is raised as a Vampire.)
Stone to Flesh
Telekinesis
Teleport
Transmute Rock and Mud
Wall of Stone

SOME POSSIBLE FORMS FOR MAD INVENTIONS

• a white powder.
• a small clockwork.
• a luminous disk.
• a vial of perfume.
• a metal rod with a projecting wire.
• an ointment.
• an earpiece with a hanging wire.
• a rod tipped with a ball of metal mesh.
• a mask with colored lenses over the eyes.
• a helmet with strange projecting wires.
• a set of lenses set into a complex mechanism.
• a pill.
• a set of wings that unfurl from a backpack.
• a flask of liquid.
• a crystal.
• a lantern with changeable lenses, and a strange mechanism.
• a specially coated metal cone.
• an opalescent pendant.
• a bizarre gun.
• a circlet set with a crystal.
• a set of needles that connect to a chemical battery.
• a set of metal shoes and leg braces.
• a hose connected to a pack worn on the back.
• a chemical-filled contraption that straps to the arm.
• a wind-up mechanism inside a metal box.
• a set of bandages woven with metal wires, and saturated with a strange substance.

SUGGESTED MONSTROUS SERVANTS

The following lists of possible Monstrous Servants are based upon the monsters found in the “Old School Essentials Classic Fantasy Rules”. Obviously, not all Monstrous Servants can be taken onto the streets of a typical town – at least not without somehow disguising them as something normal!

NPCs who serve as Monstrous Servants are usually dimwitted Fighters or amoral Thieves. Sometimes, a twisted Dwarf, outcast Gnome, or rogue Halfling will become a Monstrous Servant. Elves, Magic users, and Clerics never submit to becoming Monstrous Servants.

1 HD Monstrous Servants
Beetle, Fire
Berserker
Ferret, Giant
Goblin
Hobgoblin
Killer Bee
Kobold
Normal Human
NPC, 1st Level
Orc
Pterasaur, Pteradactyl
Rat, Giant
Rats, Pack of Normal
Shrew, Giant
Skeleton
Stirge
Water Termite, Swamp

2 HD Monstrous Servants
Bat, Giant
Bat, Giant Vampire
Gnoll
Golem, Wood
Insect Swarm, 2 HD
Lizard Man
Neanderthal
NPC, 2nd Level
Rock Baboon (can be taught to wield regular weapons)
Shark, Bull
Snake, Spitting Cobra
Toad, Giant
Troglodyte
Water Termite, Freshwater
Wolf, Normal
Zombie

3 HD Monstrous Servants
Beetle, Oil
Beetle, Tiger
Bugbear
Crab, Giant
Fish, Giant Piranha
Hawk, Giant
Hippogriff
Insect Swarm, 3 HD
Living Stature, Crystal
NPC, 3rd Level
Robber Fly
Snake, Pit Viper
Spider, Giant Crab

4 HD Monstrous Servants
Ape, White
Bear, Black
Carcass Crawler
Giant Lizard, Draco
Giant Weasel
Insect Swarm, 4 HD
Living Stature, Iron
NPC, 4th Level
Ogre
Panther
Rhagodessa
Shark, Mako
Snake, Sea Snake
Spider, Giant Black Widow
Water Termite, Saltwater
Wold, Dire

5 HD Monstrous Servants
Bear, Grizzly
Driver Ant
Hydra, 5 Heads
Lion
NPC, 5th Level
Owl Bear
Pterasaur, Pteranodan
Scorpion, Giant
Snake, Giant Rattler

6 HD Monstrous Servants
Crocodile, Large
Fish, Giant Rockfish
Giant Lizard, Horned Cameleon
Giant Lizard, Tuatara
Hydra, 6 Heads
Leech, Giant
Living Stature, Rock
Manticore
Minotaur
NPC, 6th Level
Ochre Jelly
Rhinoceros
Sea Serpent, Lesser
Snake, Rock Python
Squid, Giant
Tiger

7 HD Monstrous Servants
Bear, Cave
Caecilia
Griffin
Hydra, 7 Heads
NPC, 7th Level
Troll
Warp Beast

8 HD Monstrous Servants
Fish, Giant Catfish
Giant, Hill
Golem, Bone
Hydra, 8 Heads
NPC, 8th Level
Octopus, Giant
Rhinoceros. Woolly
Saber-toothed Tiger
Shark, Great White
Wyvern

9 HD Monstrous Servants
Elephant
Giant, Stone
Hydra, 9 Heads

10 HD Monstrous Servants
Giant, Frost
Hydra, 10 Heads

11 HD Monstrous Servants
Black Pudding
Fish, Giant Sturgeon
Giant, Fire
Hydra, 11 Heads
Stegosaurus
Triceratops

12 HD Monstrous Servants
Golem, Amber
Hydra, 12 Heads
Titanothere

14 HD Monstrous Servants
Cyclops

Note: NPCs who function as Monstrous Servants will always be below 9th Level.

Special Note

I like to take this opportunity to give thanks to all the real-life scientists and medical professionals working to alleviate the current pandemic. All hope for the future rests with you. I salute you!

Viridantine and Calidurum – Two More Wondrous Metals of Panzoasia

Tags

, , , , , , , , ,


See also “Wondrous Metals, Minerals, and Materials of Panzoasia“.

Viridantine (Greenmetal)

Viridantine is a lustrous, emerald-colored metal beloved by the Elves and Fairy Folk of Panzoasia. Also called “Greenmetal”, it occurs in long veins underground, particularly beneath forested land. While Viridantine can be forged like iron, the preferred way to craft items from it involves placing a small piece of the metal in a stone mold packed with organic material (typically leaves and forest detritus, but sometimes meat), and sealing the mold with wet clay. The metal will “eat” and replace the organic matter as it grows, eventually filling the mold. The item is then removed, and polished (or sharpened). The process is not fast – growing a longsword from Greenmetal requires a full year – but it allows Elves and Fairy Folk to create metal objects without stoking fires in the forest. An object made of Viridantine is about strong as steel, and weighs the same. Viridantine does have a major disadvantage, whoever – objects made from it must be “fed” once a week, or they will deteriorate like untreated wood. A Viridantine item can be fed in three ways: by partially burying it in earth and exposing the unburied portion to sunlight from morning to dusk, by completely burying it in rich soil for a day and a night, or by rubbing the object with a pint of blood (which will be absorbed by the metal). Another weakness of Greenmetal is that it is particularly vulnerable to acid, dissolving twice as fast as iron or steel.

If an object made of Greenmetal is planted in soil and left alone, it will grow out of its shape and sprout branches and roots, eventually resembling a small and leafless tree. If buried, the object will become the seed for a new vein of Viridantine. Monsters such as Black Puddings and Grey Oozes enjoy the taste of Viridantine and will seek it out – as will Purple Worms. Since it is not ferrous, however, Viridantine is immune to attack from Rust Monsters.

As long as a Viridantine mine is not completely depleted, the remaining metal will regrow at the rate of 1 cubic foot per thousand years. If the vein is regularly tended and fed with decomposing organic matter, then the rate of regeneration is increased to 1 cubic foot per century.

Value: The same as ordinary steel.

Calidurum

This bizarre material is lusterless and dead black in color. Unlike normal metal, which tends be cool to the touch, Calidurum is always warm. Found in Fiery Purgatory and the deepest parts of the Underworld, Calidurum is hardened by extreme heat, but softens and turns purplish in ice-cold water. It melts completely and glows bright blue at -50 Fahrenheit (or -45 Celsius). Since it is actually improved by extreme temperatures that can melt ordinary metals, it is widely employed by creatures such as Saganic Salamanders and Fire Giants. They maintain special wet forges, where the Calidurum is melted in cold crucibles carved from Lithic Ice. Working Calidurum is considered extremely hazardous by the Salamanders and Fire Giants, and the “Coldsmiths” who do it are hailed for their extreme courage.

If a Calidurum object contacts a Wall of Ice (or is hit by White Dragon Breath), its owner must Save versus Breath Weapon to prevent the object from being ruined. On the other hand, a weapon made of Calidurum gains +1 to hit and damage for every 200 degrees Fahrenheit to which it is heated (maximum +5). Calidurum armor similarly heated confers a +1 bonus to AC per 200 degrees (if the occupant can withstand such temperatures). At temperatures sufficient to melt iron, Calidurum is harder than Adamant. Conversely, Calidurum weapons are -1 to hit and damage in cold temperatures, and Calidurum armor becomes -1 to AC.

Tools made of Calidurum are prized by those Dwarven smiths that work Adamant and Admantine Steel.

Value: 1,000 gp per pound.

Random CB Radio Handles from the Uncanny Highway

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , ,


Although it has actually existed in the United States since the 1940s, CB (“Citizens Band”) radio really came of age with technological advances in the late 1960s. It exploded in popularity during the 70s – especially among truckers. By the 1970s most users were identifying themselves by self-chosen names, or “handles”, rather than the assigned call signs that were technically required under the law. In fact, before 1983 it was actually illegal to use a CB without a license in the U.S. – most users simply ignored the law, which was almost never enforced. In the days before the Internet and mobile phones, CB radio was the best means for truckers (and other drivers) to keep informed about hazards and opportunities along the road. And on the Uncanny Highway, the hazards of the road can be strange indeed!

Some results on the following table give two options separated by a slash. In general, GMs and Presenters can use the first option for a male, and the second for a female. Of course, players can also use the table to decide on CB handles for their PCs.

d20, twice

You’re listening to…

1

Rubber Guy / Gal

2

Hard / Silky Hawk / Dove

3

Shadow Rider

4

Fearless Trucker

5

Flyin’ Driver

6

Lovin’ Bull / Butch

7

Christian Dave / Jane (or other name)

8

Speedy Smoker (or Toker)

9

Big Daddy / Momma

10

Fightin’ Soldier

11

Steel Roller

12

Ohio (or other state) Dog (or Doggy)

13

Mountain Man / Woman

14

Rockin’ Duck

15

Groovy Hauler

16

Swinging Hammer / Fingers

17

Smooth Eagle / Swan

18

American Racer

19

Sergeant King / Queen

20

Sweet Stallion / Bee

Random Bar Stories from the Uncanny Highway, Part Two – Tales Told by Women

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,


Like last week’s “Tales Told By Men”, the following conversation starters can be used to add depth and color to NPCs, or as scenario seeds for adventures along the Uncanny Highway of the 1960s and 70s.

Remember that the 1960s were very sexist times, and in many towns single women could not actually sit at a bar and order drinks. In some places, women were prohibited from even entering drinking establishments unless they were accompanied by men. Some bars banned women altogether. By the 1970s, however, most gender-segregated bars were being legally forced to end their discriminatory practices. Of course, along the Uncanny Highway one can’t even be sure that all the patrons of a bar are human!

(d12, d6) The obviously tipsy woman says:

1

d6

I just left my man because…

1

he is cheating on me with his secretary.

2

I caught him with my own sister!

3

I found out he is actually a wanted criminal.

4

he has a whole other family in another state!

5

I found his disgusting collection of “dirty magazines”.

6

he beat me up again, but for the last time.

2

d6

My best friend…

1

wants me to get involved as one of her “distributors”. Somebody else told me its a “pyramid scheme”, but I don’t know.

2

wants me to go to some weird “self-help” seminar in the city.

3

know the number of a guy in the city who helps out women who’ve got a certain kind of problem. You know what I mean.

4

just joined this commune where they share everything. I mean, everything!

5

has been acting really weird lately, like she’s been replaced with a robot or something.

6

has been missing for a week now.

3

d6

Some guy is following me, and…

1

he’s just come into this bar.

2

I don’t think he’s even human.

3

nobody else can see him.

4

I know its because of what I saw.

5

I think he’s that guy who kidnapped all those women.

6

if he keeps it up he’s going to get shot!

4

d6

My family is driving me nuts because…

1

they keep wanting me to have a baby.

2

they want me to quit my job.

3

they want me to get married to some guy I’ve never met.

4

they want me to take my children to “The Festival”. Understand, my family been doing it for a very long time, but I just don’t want to any more.

5

I won’t take in my Grandma, even though she only eats raw meat.

6

my husband won’t loan my loser brother any more money.

5

d6

My child died because

1

he was born without skin. The doctor insists the chemical factory had nothing to do with it.

2

my little boy killed her. Nobody believes me, but I know he’s evil.

3

he wandered off to that old abandoned house.

4

she ran onto the highway.

5

the Satanists killed her, and made it look like an accident.

6

some strange poison gas was released from the military base.

6

d6

I know it sounds crazy, but I think my husband might be

1

a murderer.

2

planning to kill me.

3

a Satanist.

4

an alien.

5

a Soviet agent.

6

married to another woman.

7

d6

I just saw…

1

a man forcing a woman into a car in the parking lot.

2

someone being murdered!

3

a U.F.O.!

4

a werewolf!

5

an angel.

6

my own double!

8

d6

I found Jesus…

1

in women’s prison. But I swear I didn’t put that poison my husband’s drink.

2

after my family died in a gas explosion. Like I told the police, I was out visiting friends, and still feel so guilty.

3

and stopped hooking. Well, mostly.

4

after my boyfriend shot me and left me for dead.

5

after my children went missing.

6

when he stepped out of that U.F.O.

9

d6

I’ve lost…

1

my children, and need someone to help me find them.

2

my memory. How did I get here?

3

my way. Where am I?

4

my purse, and need someone to help me out.

5

a small package wrapped in brown paper. If you find it, don’t shake it.

6

my soul.

10

d6

I know you won’t believe it, but

1

I can read your aura.

2

my dog can speak.

3

my child is the reincarnation of a soldier killed in the Second World War.

4

there’s a puddle of blood and slime in the restroom.

5

I’m actually nobility.

6

I can speak to the dead.

11

d6

It’s funny that

1

my husband actually thinks it was his idea for us to become swingers!

2

nobody believes witches are real anymore.

3

some people think women are weak, because I just killed a man with my bare hands.

4

the P.T.A. thinks I’m a bad parent, with what I know about them!

5

people don’t realize what’s buried under the trailer park.

6

no one sees that Satan is alive and well – and living in this town!

12

d6

I know I shouldn’t think this, but…

1

my kids aren’t really mine at all.

2

maybe it’s a cop that’s responsible for all those body parts they keep finding on the side of the road.

3

I suspect my pastor knows more than he’s telling about those kids who disappeared last week.

4

I don’t think the soldiers that passed through town are even American.

5

I just want to run away from my family and go somewhere, anywhere, else.

6

clowns are sexy.

Random Bar Stories from the Uncanny Highway, Part One – Tales Told by Men

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,


If you visit any of the fine drinking establishments that line the Uncanny Highway of U.S. Route 28, you are guaranteed to encounter a man with a story to tell. Buy him another drink, and listen as he enlightens you.

The following tables assume the same 1960s and 1970s time frame as the other entries in the “Uncanny Highway” series. Naturally, many would also make good subjects for Country & Western songs!

(d12, d6) The obviously tipsy man says:

1

d6

My wife ran off with….

1

my best friend.

2

my own brother.

3

some college kid.

4

that guy who was working on our house.

5

a biker.

6

another woman.

2

d6

My dog was killed by…

1

a speeding big-rig. I didn’t get a look at the guy. Come to think of it, I don’t remember even seeing a driver at all.

2

my own wife. After she came back from that trip, he was growling at her all the time, and wouldn’t let her pet him any more.

3

my no-good neighbor, because my ol’ boy was digging up something in the yard.

4

some wild animal. I don’t know what it was exactly, but it sure was big!

5

frickin’ Satanists. They’re everywhere around here.

6

space aliens. They cut out his eyes and drained all his blood!

3

d6

My best friend…

1

is apparently banging my wife. I think I’m gonna do something about it – after I get good and liquored up!

2

turned out to be “one of them”. You know what I mean.

3

ratted on me to the IRS. I found those gold coins buried with that skeleton on my property, so I own them, fair and square.

4

just married some foreign chick who’s apparently “allergic to sunlight”.

5

is a cop, so I can get away with anything.

6

told me about some money supposedly stashed in an abandoned house.

4

d6

I’m waiting to be arrested, ‘cause I just killed…

1

my cheating wife.

2

that bastard that’s been banging my wife.

3

my cheating wife and her bastard lover.

4

my own brother.

5

the man they sent to kill me.

6

the sheriff.

5

d6

I lost all my money…

1

in Los Vegas.

2

to my wife in the divorce.

3

to that bastard I used to be in business with.

4

to the goddamn IRS.

5

playing the ponies.

6

on a bad real estate deal.

6

d6

I lost my job because

1

some weird illegal immigrants took it. Funny thing is, I can’t even figure out what country they’re supposed to be from. They don’t speak any language I ever heard of.

2

of stupid Government regulations. We had to stop digging on that hill, but they wouldn’t tell us why.

3

someone made completely false allegations against me. I never met any of those women.

4

the boss’ wife thinks I “look like a criminal”.

5

the place got burned down. I think the boss did it for the insurance money.

6

my boss didn’t actually have any licenses or permits for what we were doing. Now, I can’t even find the bastard.

7

d6

I just made some easy money…

1

at the track.

2

burying some sacks for a guy. I didn’t ask what was inside, but they smelled really bad.

3

pouring a concrete floor for some guy who needed it done fast.

4

selling my camera and the pictures inside to a guy dressed in a black suit and sunglasses.

5

moving furniture in the middle of the night.

6

soundproofing a guy’s basement, and installing metal rings on the walls. He paid me much more than the job really costs. He also wanted a stain resistant floor that would be easy to mop up, but I don’t do floors.

8

d6

I just saw….

1

a ghost!

2

Bigfoot!

3

a U.F.O.!

3

Jesus!

4

the Devil!

5

a freakin’ tiger roaming the woods!

6

what a Federal agent look like without it’s human disguise!

9

d6

I don’t trust The Government, because…

1

I saw them packing dope in the body bags when I was in ‘Nam

2

the FBI just arrested my brother, who had nothing to do with those girls disappearing.

3

I’ve actually been aboard a U.F.O., and met the aliens. They look like you and me, but with big black eyes. You know, I could take you to meet them.

4

my pastor told me about all the Commies, International Bankers, and Radical Feminists that have infiltrated Congress.

5

when I was a cop they actually tried to recruit me into the Satanic coven that runs Washington D.C.

6

my friend whose a doctor told me the fluoride they put in the water is actually a Soviet plot to make Americans too weak to resist a takeover.

10

d6

I found Jesus…

1

in prison. That’s when I got this here tattoo.

2

on the battlefield. Let me show you my scars.

3

in the midst of my divorce. The Lord told me he would take her back home to Heaven, and he did!

4

after my wife got murdered. They never did find out who did it, and I doubt they ever will.

5

when I was getting off junk. After the bugs stopped crawling under my skin, I saw The Lord clear as day.

6

while I was banging a hooker. I think she still works the truck-stop nearby.

11

d6

I bet you…

1

can’t tell what I’ve got hidden in my shirt. Go on, guess!

2

don’t know why I’ve got this here silver bullet.

3

can’t beat me at arm-wrestling.

4

can’t guess what I’ve got in my car. It’s a doozy!

5

don’t know why that guy over there is staring at us.

6

want to know about the weird crap that’s been going on.

12

d6

I’m leaving this town, because

1

I found a good job driving delivery trucks from town to town. I could set you up too, if you can keep your mouth shut.

2

I got myself a “mail-order bride”. I swear she’s the most beautiful woman I’ve even seen. Thing is, she was raised in some weird religion that won’t let her eat salt, or have any iron in the house.

3

of all the weird murders.

4

There’s some guy who looks just like me doing some messed-up stuff, and the cops have got it in for me.

5

I know what what’s really going on with all the new construction around the old military base.

6

I just know something really bad is about to happen.

Roadside Bars of the Uncanny Highway – U.S. Route 28

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , ,


Like the other generators in the “Uncanny Highway – U.S. Route 28” series, the following tables assume a time-frame of the mid 1960s to mid 1970s.

Initial Impression of the Bar

d10

The bar is named for…

1 – 2

a woman. (“Shirley’s”, “Mother’s Bar”, “Flo’s Place”, etc.)

2 – 4

a man. (“Jake’s Roadhouse”, “Harry’s”, “Nick’s Pub”, etc.)

5

an animal. (“The Stallion”, “Eagle Inn”, “Black Cat Tavern”, etc.)

6

a local geographical feature. (“Mount George Inn”, “Black River Tavern”, “Bald Hill Bar”, etc.)

7

an occupation. (“The Miner”, “Trucker’s Tavern”, “Huntsman’s Lodge”, etc.)

8

an inanimate object (or objects). (“Cannon Club”, “Big Rig Inn”, “Five Nails”, etc.)

9

a foreign locale. (“German Inn”, “Old England Bar”, “China Saloon”, etc.)

10

another kind of business or establishment. (“Junkyard Bar”, “The Abbey Lounge”, “Factory Bar”, etc.)

d12

The bar’s sign is…

1

intact neon letter above the door

2

neon and above the door, but with 1d4 letters burned out or broken.

3

cut out letters affixed above the door.

4

cut out letters affixed above the door, with 1d4 letters missing.

5

nicely painted above the door.

6

crudely painted above the door.

7

painted directly on the front door.

8

a wooden plaque affixed to the facade.

9

a painted banner hang above the door.

10

just a painted A-frame standing outside the door.

11

lettered on the front windows.

12

apparently missing.

d12

The exterior of the building is…

1 – 2

a flat-topped brick structure.

3 – 5

a flat-topped wooden structure with clapboard siding.

6

an ordinary wooden house.

7

an ordinary brick house.

8

a faux “Tudor” (half-timber) structure.

9

a faux Polynesian (Tiki) structure.

10

faux adobe (or actual adobe in the Southwest).

11

a faux “Old West” saloon with a “boomtown” facade.

12

a railway car.

25% chance of one or two gas pumps outside building. If there are two, one will be regular gas, and the other diesel.

d12

The bar appears to attract primarily…

1 – 2

blue-collar workers.

3

bikers.

4

truckers.

5

old men.

6

Country Music fans in cowboy and cowgirl outfits.

7

college kids.

8

young singles looking for partners.

9

people of a single ethnicity (other than white American).

10

police.

11

swinging couples.

12

the gay community. (LGBT+ people, but that term didn’t exist in the 1960s or 1970s.)

d8

The condition of the building is…

1

excellent.

2 – 4

generally good.

5

poor due to neglect.

6

poor due to obvious vandalism.

7

badly weathered.

8

mostly good, but there are bullet holes in the side.

d8

The parking lot is…

1

very small, but only partially filled.

2

very small, and completely filled.

3

moderately sized, and largely empty.

4

moderately sized, and half empty.

5

moderately sized, but mostly filled.

6

large, and largely empty.

7

large, and half-filled.

8

large, half-filled, and evidently a popular trolling ground for prostitutes.

The types of vehicles in the parking lot will be consistent with the primary patrons. Motorcycles in a biker bar, pickup trucks for Country Music fans, station wagons for suburban swinging couples, etc.

 

Inside the Bar

d20

The interior décor is…

1 – 5

unremarkable / consistent with the bar’s name and exterior.

6

filled with military memorabilia.

7

filled with local memorabilia.

8

filled with music memorabilia (appropriate to primary patrons).

9

a faux Irish pub.

10

faux German.

11

faux Medieval.

12

a faux barn.

13

Viking-themed.

14

Mexican-themed.

15

filled with hunting trophies.

16

filled with fishing trophies.

17

festooned with Christmas lights.

18

nautical-themed.

19

Tiki.

20

psychedelic.

d10

The behavior of the patrons is….

1 – 4

like those of any average bar of its type.

5

rowdy and belligerent.

6

friendly and welcoming.

7

extremely unfriendly to outsiders.

8

joyless, and oddly mechanical.

9

quietly menacing.

10

the complete opposite of what one would expect.

d20

The inside smells primarily like…

1 – 8

cigarettes.

9 – 10

cooking meat.

11 – 12

deep-fry oil

13

sweat.

14

incense.

15

mold.

16

dirt.

17

body odor.

18

rotten wood.

19

dry wood.

20

nothing in particular.

d20

The floor is…

1

faux-brick linoleum (or vinyl).

2

faux-wood linoleum (or vinyl).

3

faux-stone linoleum (or vinyl).

4 – 5

patterned linoleum (or vinyl).

6

badly-cracked, faux-brick linoleum (or vinyl).

7

badly-cracked, faux-wood linoleum (or vinyl).

8

badly-cracked, faux-stone linoleum (or vinyl).

9 – 10

badly-cracked, patterned linoleum (or vinyl).

11 – 12

black and white checkerboard tiles.

13

bare concrete.

14 – 15

badly-worn wood.

16 – 17

stained wood.

18 – 19

painted wood.

20

wood parquet.

40% chance the floor is covered with sawdust.

d100

If the floor is searched, you will find…

1 – 9

nothing special besides cigarette butts and beer. (If floor is sawdust, beer will be soaked up.)

10 – 11

an especially large quantity of nut shells.

12 – 13

dead insects.

14 – 15

someone’s wallet (with d100 dollars).

16 – 17

a glob of spit, still wet. (Roll again if floor is sawdust.)

18 – 19

spattered paint. (If floor is sawdust, paint is underneath.)

20 – 21

food wrapping from a nearby eatery.

22 – 23

1d6 spent bullet casings.

24 – 25

dried blood.

26 – 27

a condom (25% chance to be used.)

28 – 29

a set of house keys.

30 – 31

a pair of panties.

32 – 33

a lady’s stocking.

34 – 35

a pair of men’s underwear.

36 – 37

a woman’s anklet.

38 – 39

a wedding ring (Equal chances to be a man’s or a woman’s.)

40 – 41

a broken necklace.

42 – 43

broken glass.

44 – 45

a lost police shield.

46 – 47

a child’s toy.

48 – 49

a store receipt (25% chance the combination of items has disturbing implications. For example: rope, plastic sheeting, duct tape, nylon stockings, a dog collar, bleach, and a set of knives.)

50 – 51

a phone number written on a napkin.

52 – 53

“Help” written on a napkin in a woman’s handwriting.

54 – 54

a business card.

55 – 56

an unexploded firecracker.

57 – 58

unused tickets for a local Amusement Park.

59 – 60

a strange occult design faintly scrawled on the floor in chalk.

61 – 62

a woman’s shoe.

63 – 64

the broken heel from a high-heeled shoe.

65 – 66

a man’s shoe or boot.

67 – 68

a severed finger. (50% either a man’s or woman’s.)

69 – 70

1d4 human teeth.

71 – 72

a small, bloody knife. (Any sawdust on the floor will be stuck to knife along with the blood.)

73 – 74

a page from a Bible, with a verse circled.

75 – 76

a page from a phone book, with a name circled.

77 – 78

a religious tract.

79 – 80

a gemstone, evidently fallen from a ring.

81 – 82

a muddy shoe-print.

83 – 84

a small puddle of urine. (If floor is sawdust, urine will be soaked up.)

85 – 86

two halves of a ripped photograph. (Equal chances to be of a man or a woman.)

87 – 88

a watch. (25% chance to be an expensive brand.)

89 – 90

a dead mouse.

91 – 92

a live mouse.

93 – 94

a crumpled break-up letter.

95 – 96

a broken pencil.

97 – 98

a chicken bone.

99 – 100

a local guidebook, with a bloody fingerprint.

 

People and Events

d8

The bartender appears to be a(n)…

1

attractive young woman, (5% chance she is also the owner.)

2

young woman, (50% chance she is also the owner.)

3

handsome, middle-aged man, (25% chance he is also the owner.)

4

middle-aged man, (75% chance he is also the owner.)

5

attractive middle-aged woman, (75% chance she is also the owner.)

6

middle-aged woman, (75% chance she is also the owner.)

7

older man, (85% chance she is also the owner.)

8

older woman, (95% chance she is also the owner.)

d100

…with…

1 – 3

one eye.

4 – 6

an obvious scar.

7 – 9

missing teeth.

10 – 12

glasses.

13 – 15

a lisp.

16 – 18

a filthy mouth.

19 – 21

a dog behind the counter.

22 – 24

a pistol on their hip.

25 – 27

notably large breasts / muscles.

28 – 30

badly dyed hair.

31 – 33

an out-of-date hairstyle.

34 – 36

unfashionable clothes.

37 – 39

a very fashionable outfit.

40 – 42

a flamboyant manner of pouring drinks.

43 – 45

a distinct lack of education.

46 – 48

an obviously high level of education.

49 – 51

strange jewelry.

52 – 54

many tattoos. (50% likely to be blue prison tattoos inked with cigarette ash and spit.)

55 – 57

a bad leg.

58 – 60

a bad attitude.

61 – 63

a sympathetic ear for all patrons

64 – 66

no interest in hearing your problems.

67 – 69

an uncanny insight into their patrons’ true desires

70 – 72

seemingly endless stories about their past.

73 – 75

a “catch phrase” that they always seem to work into any conversation.

76 – 78

extremely racist and prejudicial opinions.

79 – 81

an eagerness to share the Good News of Jesus Christ.

82 – 84

strong belief in various conspiracy theories.

85 – 87

professed psychic abilities.

88 – 90

a hatred of hippies and “reds”.

91 – 93

a sympathetic view of hippies and the counterculture.

94 – 95

an encyclopedic knowledge of liquor.

96 – 97

an eagerness to share the teachings of their Guru.

98 – 99

a strangely archaic way of speaking.

100

a striking resemblance to someone famous. (10% chance they actually are that person – or their clone!)

d100

Your attention is attracted by…

1 – 11

a fight breaking among 2d4 patrons.

12 – 13

a man with a flamboyant cowboy outfit.

14 – 15

a pair of identical twins.

16 – 17

a man with a loaded pistol set in front of him.

18 – 19

a plain, small, and unassuming woman who is easily consuming more whiskey than seems possible. She has already drunk several men “under the table”.

20 – 21

a nun.

22 – 23

a beautiful woman, dressed like a high-fashion model, and wearing sunglasses. She drinks alone.

24 – 25

an artist drawing portraits.

26 – 27

a photographer taking snapshots.

28 – 29

a police detective showing someone’s photograph to patrons.

30 – 31

a nervous man who stares at everyone entering the bar.

32 – 33

a silent man in sunglasses, wearing a black suit and fedora. His briefcase in on the table or bar.

34 – 35

a man playing solitaire with an a strange set of cards.

36 – 37

a woman reading palms.

38 – 39

1d4 clown(s).

40 – 41

a Native American, dressed in a traditional outfit.

42 – 43

a group of 1d4+1 men playing “pinfinger” or “five finger fillet” with a knife and their outstretched hands.

44 – 45

a man with 1d4 obviously frightened young women.

46 – 47

a preacher (or other devotee) handing out religious tracts.

48 – 49

a young women approaching one patron after another, begging for a ride.

50 – 51

1d4 hippies.

52 – 53

a middle-aged woman looking for her husband.

54 – 55

a man with a long white beard hanging to his belly.

56 – 57

a breathtakingly beautiful woman who is collecting free drinks.

58 – 59

1d4 police who have entered the bar to make an arrest. (If the bar primarily serves LGTQ+ people, the police may be arresting the patrons. If the bar has strippers, the police may be arresting the dancers, or the owner.)

60 – 61

1 or 2 masked men with guns who suddenly burst in and demand money.

62 – 63

a dog wandering around the bar.

64 – 65

a black cat wandering around the bar.

66 – 67

a man who runs into the bar, yelling that he just encountered a U.F.O.

68 – 69

a man who runs into the bar, yelling that he just encountered a famous local ghost.

70 – 71

a strange creature briefly visible in the window.

72 – 73

a fire breaking out in the bar.

74 – 75

a section of the ceiling collapsing.

76 – 77

1d4 people in archaic outfits.

78 – 79

an obnoxious drunk stumbling into everyone and everything.

80 – 81

a man so drunk he falls off the bar stool unconscious.

82 – 83

a glowing ball of light that moves slowly across the room.

84 – 85

inexplicable banging or tapping sounds.

86 – 87

a muffled cry for help, but from no obvious source.

88 – 89

a bullet (or rock) crashing through a window.

90 – 91

a hitchhiker you’ve previously seen on the side of the road.

92 – 93

an unaccompanied child walking into the bar.

94 – 95

a woman running into the bar, screaming that she just escaped a kidnapper (or killer).

96 – 97

an African-American man with a guitar, who sits down and pours a dark powder on the ground around himself while he mutters something about keeping the “hellhounds” away.

98 – 99

a family who suddenly enters, seeking help for their broken-down automobile.

100

an automobile crashing into the bar!

Obviously out-of-place or annoying patrons will eventually be asked to leave by the Bartender.

 

Food and Drink

d6

The bar serves…

1

a unique cocktail made nowhere else.

2

a wide selection of beers, but only a small election of spirits.

3

a seemingly endless selection of alcohol.

4

especially stiff drinks.

5

watered-down drinks.

6

only local brands.

A normal 1960s or 1970s roadside bar serves 1d4 brands of beer, and 2d6 other liquors. In most bars, all the beer will be one of the big national brands. Modern-style craft beers are basically non-existent, but small regional and local brands do exist in some areas.

d6

The food is…

1

nothing but bar snacks. (Potato chips, peanuts, pretzels, popcorn, pickled eggs, etc.)

2

expensive, but high-quality.

3

both good and cheap.

4

greasy.

5

an unexpected, exotic cuisine.

6

disgustingly inedible.

 

Attractions and Amenities

d20, 1d10 times.

Other attractions and amenities include…

1

a dart board.

2

pool table(s).

3

1d6 strippers / burlesque dancers. (Mostly topless in the 1960s and 1970s, but full nude dancing exists in some places after 1969. Stripper poles aren’t introduced until 1972.)

4

a jukebox.

5

a stage for live performances.

6

a dance floor.

7

a television.

8

a pay phone.

9

a mechanical bull.

10

air hockey.

11

a foosball table.

12

a skee-ball machine.

13

various board games that can be played by patrons.

14

an electro-mechanical gun shooting game.

15

a pachinko machine.

16

pinball machine. (Or video game, after 1978.)

17

slot machine. (Or video poker, after 1979.)

18

1d4 bowling lanes.

19

a room for private parties.

20

lodgings.

There can be multiple examples of the same attraction or amenity.

d12

The bathroom is…

1 – 4

unremarkable.

5

the haunt of a local drug dealer.

6

disgustingly foul.

7

covered in graffiti.

8

surprisingly clean.

9

filled with a mysterious odor.

10

very cramped.

11

cavernously large.

12

apparently a popular spot for casual sexual encounters.

 

The Bar’s Secret

d100

The most shocking fact about this bar is…

1 – 15

only that the staff is paid “off the books”.

16 – 29

it’s Mob owned, but otherwise a regular business.

30 – 38

it serves underage patrons.

39 – 40

it has failed every health inspection, but somehow remains in business.

40 – 41

all the liquor is bootleg, but put into “legitimate” bottles.

42 – 43

it’s crawling with vermin.

44

the bartender is actually a Vampyre.

45

it is used as a hunting ground by the local Vampyres.

46

the bartender is actually a Werewolf.

47

it’s used as a hunting ground by the local Werewolves.

48 – 50

it’s haunted by the ghost of the first owner.

51 – 52

it’s haunted by the ghost of person murdered here.

53 – 54

it’s haunted by the ghost of a dog (or other pet).

55 – 56

it’s patronized by Demons and Devils.

57 – 58

it’s patronized by Angels.

59

it’s patronized by the Devil himself (or another major Infernal power). (d4: Satan is… 1 = looking to make a deal. 2 = on holiday from Hell, and just want to be left alone. 3 = drowning his sorrows from the loss of his latest love. 4 = expecting someone.)

60

it’s Death’s favorite hangout!

61

it’s used as a neutral meeting ground by the powers of Heaven and Hell.

62 – 63

the owner is a KGB agent.

64 – 66

it’s used for CIA mind-control experiments.

67

some of the drinks are actually potions that grant magical powers.

68 – 69

it’s a meeting place for Demon Hunters.

70

the local Fairy Folk meet here “after-hours”.

71 – 72

auctions of sex slaves are held here “after-hours”.

73 – 74

the basement is a way station for human trafficking.

75

the basement contains an entrance to the Underworld.

76

it’s built atop an Indian burial ground.

77

it’s actually a disguised space-ship, and the owner is an extraterrestrial.

79 – 80

many of the apparent patrons are actually ghosts.

81 – 82

its used as hunting ground for a homicidal maniac.

83 – 84

it’s a front for illegal gambling.

85 – 86

it’s a front for prostitution.

87 – 88

it’s a front for drug dealing.

89 – 90

it’s infested with vermin.

91 – 93

the meat served is actually roadkill.

94 – 95

the meat served is actually from animals not normally eaten by Americans.

96

the meat served is human flesh.

97 – 98

the small library and reading room in the back, stocked with classics and quality literature.

99 – 100

it is owned by a celebrity.